Wednesday, April 18, 2007


I don't write here much anymore. Things are just always busy and making sure I make time each night to write in the kid's paper journal proves to take up more time then I would like.

To be quite honest not much has happened since I have last written. Going through each day much the same and just keep head above water.

Summer is coming and Bean is so ready to be outta school. So much homework each night, so many things happening that she is wearing down very, very thin.

Magoo is just about walking now. He will walk until he is tired and then will crawl the rest of the way.

They are just growing so fast!
I hate it!

Will write soon.

The mom

Monday, March 05, 2007

Sleep, What's that?

I can not rememeber the last time that I slept a full 4 hours. It seems lately that sleep is just not on my to do list.

Last night I finally got a bit sleepy around 1am. Watched the clock until 4 and remember looking at the clock for the last time at exactly 4:34am. The alarm usually goes off at 6am for school but I shut it off at 5:46am. There was no need to lay there and wait for it to go off. Up and sipped some coffee until it was time for the bean to rise.

I am not sure what is happening but all I do know is that I would kill for some rest.

Bean woke up with a fever and sore throat saturday but this morning wanted to go to school and said she was feeling better. I think the only reason she was so ready to go was because she starts swimming today and knew damn well I would not allow her to go if she did not go to school.

Magoo is doing good. Thankfully he is showing no sign of not feeling well!

Keeping my fingers crossed!

The Mom

Tuesday, February 27, 2007


For Bean

A song by John Mayer
i know a girl
she puts the color inside of my world
she's just like a maze
where all of the walls all continually change
I've done all i can to stand on the steps
with my heart in my hands
Now i started to thinkmaybe its got nothing to do with me.
so fathers be good to your daughters
daughters will love like you do
girls become lovers who turn into mothers
so mothers be good to your daughters too.
you see that skin
its the same shes been standing in
since the day you two met
i bet i was on your mind
never ever any time
fathers be good to your daughters,
daughters will love like you do,
girls become lovers who turn into mothers
so mothers be good to your daughters too.
boys you can break
find out how much they can take
boys will be strong and boys soldier on
but boys would be gone
without warmth of a woman's good good heart
on behalf of every man
looking out for every girl
you are the god and the weight of her world
on behalf of ever man who's looking out for every girl
you are the god and you are the weight of her world
so fathers be good to your daughters,
daughters will love like you do,
girls become lovers who turn into mothers
so mothers be good to your daughters too

Saturday, February 24, 2007

Happy Birthday

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Today my boy turned one!

A year ago right now I was laying in a hospital bed recovering from a C-section with a morphine pump in hand. It amazes me how quickly he has grown up already. It makes me proud and very sad and sentimental. He was the surprise of the century. My daughter is six and after much talk about more children Petey and I tried for about a year to get pregnant and then just saw it was not meant to be. 4 years later surprise! We knew he was a boy at about 5 months and also found out that he was breech. I was seeing a midwife who swore to me that if I did the exercises she gave (standing on My head and drinking some herb) he would turn around. Just like a man, can't follow directions!

I knew right off the bat that doing the exercises was not feeling right and I was correct. At birth the cord was wrapped around his neck three times. If he had turned the outcome would have been very different.

Alright--I am jumping around. I went in Friday 2-24 at 9am for a noon C-section. They had a lot of trouble getting spinal block in. Took about an hour and a half but once it was in, all was well and soon a baby boy was born.

I feel so sentimental tonight. Extra cuddling with him and the bean. Just makes me realize how quickly life goes by. His birthday party was wonderful. Lots of people and lots of cake. He was a good boy and is now asleep soundly in bed.
Thank Goddess!

Happy Birthday Magoo!
Thank you Bean for being such a great big sister!
I love you both so much~!
The Mom

BTW--If you stop here please put a comment down. It shows a lot of traffic coming through, yet no one letting me know that they were around.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

The circle of life

As I get older the more people I love or just even consider a friend have are passing away. A friend of ours passed away yesterday and even though I was not extremely close to her she always spoiled my kids when she saw them, had been to my home for haircuts and was overall extremely wonderful to my family.

It makes you stop and take a breath. Understanding and thinking about how precious and short life really is. Wherever people believe we go when we die, I am sure that she is safe and happy there.

Bean came home with a sore throat and no voice. The starts of a lovely cold in which I hope to have nipped in the bud before it goes full monty! She and I sat at the kitchen table for an hour and a half doing homework tonight. A story she had to read that was 13 pages. 100 addition problems, 100 subtraction problems, a sheet going over the clock and a spelling pretest due tomorrow. It amazes me that she had so much to do. By the time she had finished her and I were both tired and sick of each other! Each time she tried to read the way that the book showed to, Magoo would yell outloud and try to "read" over here. Already it starts! The little brother bugging the shit out of his big sister.
I just wait for the time that she has girlfriends over, door closed to her room and he goes running in dancing in his superman underroos.

I never had that growing up so I am both excited and not looking forward to the sibling fueds.

We decided to go with the Pixar movie CARS theme for Magoos birthday party. There is an old tow truck on there called Tow Mater that he giggles and yells at each time we watch it so we figured that it would be perfect for him. Got him a light of TowMater, a mobile for his crib, a light decoration of CARS, a puzzle and a bear. Bean picked out the bear and puzzle so that is from just her.

I am dead tired tonight and I am not entirely sure why. I just wanted to write quickly before I head off to slumber.

Have a blessed night
The Mom

Sunday, February 18, 2007


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Magoo's birthday is saturday. I can't believe he will be one. He is now saying "Goggy" or "Gog" which in his word means Doggie or Dog. Close enough! These are our two dogs Pudgy and Lily. Taken under our old kitchen table. Just bought new Dining Room furniture, so much prettier then the old!

Bean has not felt good this weekend. Tummy ache complaints here and there. I always feel bad when she is not feeling up to par. Although I must admit that when she is not feeling well she is way more cuddly then normal. So I do enjoy that part of her.

I know that at some point both kids will not want to cuddle with me and I will at that moment be used to it but just thinking about it makes my heart hurt a bit.

The Mom

Friday, February 16, 2007

Another snow day

Beaner had another snow day tuesday and wednesday this week. A two hour delay yesterday and a half a day today. I wonder when on earth they will be going to school until!

She of course loves it. I like that I don't have to rush around at 6 in the morning but don't like trying to keep her busy. Magoo and I get on such a schedule that it is hard when something else is thrown into the mix. Spending the weekend and week getting ready for Magoo's first birthday on the 24th. It seem unreal to Me that he is already turning one. Any moment he is going to start getting up and walking around.

They both have such different ways about them. Comparing Bean and Magoo as babies they are as different as night and day. Amazing to watch their differences and likeness.

The Mom

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Snow week

Last week Bean was off 4 days from school due to the negative windchill and this week started with the day off due to winds and snow. I am highly doubtful that she will attend school tomorrow as they are starting to call off businesses and roads as well.

I have mixed feelings about her being home. I, of course don't want her out on the roads but I am not sure that I enjoy her talking nonstop all day long. Regardless of what room she is in or what room I am in, she must talk to me. Even the bathroom is a conversation spot. I don't even think I can remember a time when I had the bathroom to myself. When I took a bath and did not have little eyes watching me shave my legs. Even though privacy is rare, I would not change it for the world.

Magoo is now getting his molar teeth in and is a bear to live with. According to Beans baby book she had a tooth and a half on her first birthday. He has 4 on top, 4 on bottom and now 2 molars coming in. Perhaps he is a Guinness book of world records baby!

I have been taking some time to handwrite in the kids' journals. I am hoping someday to hardbind them and perhaps give them as wedding presents when they marry. Say... 20 years or so. Last night I was so tired and wanted to head to bed but had not written in it yet. I went to bed and made myself get up and write. I suppose it is a fear of mine that I will die before my time and they won't know all there is to know about me. That they won't have the advice on hand that I would give them.

Morbid? Perhaps but it is important to me.

There aren't many fears I have in life but that is pretty high on my list. Not dying but dying young and leaving my kids without me. It is not a fear that keeps me from living but one that makes me able to see what I want and need for them.

The Mom

Friday, February 09, 2007


It has been forever since I have had a computer to be able to sit and write. Mine went down a little over 3 weeks ago and after many tech support phone calls and trying to figure it out it turned out to be a bust.

Thankfully I am back on now and things seem to be working well. Bean got the old computer to play games on and I even upgraded to DSL.

Just wanted to give a quick note to let everyone know while I have been gone for so long.

I shall write in a bit.

The Mom

Friday, January 26, 2007


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Remember dear children
That life will throw you
Bumps in the road
Some will be small hurdles
Some will be marathons that
take forever to finish
Some of those bumps are meant to be there
Some will be thrown down by other people
Who want to see you fail
Just remember
If you believe you can jump over it
you will
Remember that I will be here
To hold your hand
If you need Me too
I will help you jump
As long as you need my help doing so
You are loved
You are believed in
You have a cheerleader
In this journey of life
I am behind you
In whatever you choose
All the way

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

What a week!

The last 10 days or so have proven to be harder then I thought they would. Last friday night Bean come home off the bus screaming of an ear ache and by saturday morning both kids were in the doctors office with inner ear infections and bronchitis. She tried to attend school 3 out of the 5 days last week with calls home in the morning to come and get her.

We lost one of our beloved dogs last weekend and we are just now healing from it. I think we maybe back on the upswing. I am hoping to be able to sit and write more later. I am also hoping to update the template background as well. Look for changes in the next couple of days!

I have added a Notify list mark on the blog, so those that don't visit all the time can be notified by email when I update. All you have to do is sign up. It is located to the right.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

In the swing of things

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I am not sure that I like Bean in school. Of course having one less body to take care of during the day is nice but she brings home some off the wall things from school.

My mom always said that once your kids start school, kiss them goodbye. That they come home a totally different child then when they left and she was 100% right. There are some days I wonder where in the world this sweet little girl is that left here all snuggly in the morning and now smart mouthed and running around with her head cut off as soon as she returns home from school. I am amazed on how much they put on first grade kids. I think they forget they are still 6 or 7 years old. I can remember when school was personal. When everyone knew everyone else and cared about you and your family. Now it is just a job. There was no grandparents day or Christmas program. Just work, work, work. Don't get me wrong, I understand very well the importance of education and understand full and well that everything you need in life is taught in Elementary. Yet, they are still kids. Let them be that.

It matters not how organized I am in the morning to get Bean on the bus without malice. Yet, it never seems to work out that way. She is not a morning person in the slightest. I can not say much as I am not one either but for the love of God Woman! Wouldn't it just be easier to not fight with me tooth and nail each and every morning? I must say that she is getting better then she was. Still, a lot to be desired let me tell you!

I am not sure if any of the readers watch the TLC network but there is a program called Shalom in the Home and although Rabbi Shmuley drives me entirely crazy, he has a lot to say and most are very good ideas and advice. Teaching that inspiration should come from within the home and not on the outside. He has a lot of good things to say if you can get past his mega loud voice and fast talk.

I suppose one of my biggest fears as a mother is that I will totally screw my kids up in someway. That they will leave the nest and never return. That 20 years from now they will be laying on a sofa in "Dr. Your Mom screwed you up" office telling them how terrible I was. I suppose as parents we can just simply put the ground work in and send em off hoping they make the right choices.

I wanted to take a minute to send My thoughts to a friend of mine who has a son in the military and is going through a rough patch. Although I can't begin to understand your thoughts and I won't pretend that I do, please know that you are in my thoughts always and things will be okay.

Magoo or dinky as bean now calls him is well. I am amazed that almost a year ago I was deathly sick with him and now he is crawling everywhere that I almost can't keep up. He is growing up so fast that I need to remember to just take a breather and stare at him. He is now saying Momma, Dadda and Good (Which I believe stands for good because he says it when he does something that is spectacular in his eyes).
And let me tell you everything is spectacular in his eyes.

Bean has taken a break from Karate classes. Simply because it is proving to be more of a scam then teaching her anything. She now wants to start dance, so we shall see.

Anyone make any New Years Resolutions?
I vowed to be more organized and less cluttered. Vowed to write more often. I am keeping both thus far.

Da Mom

Thursday, December 28, 2006


The Christmas holiday was wonderful around here. Mom and dad came over Christmas eve, as I keep up the traditional that My grandmother had. We always have shrimp, cheese dip, lots of cookies and wine. I really enjoy spending that time with them and honoring grandma that way. We either watch a Christmas movie or play games. This year we played games. Mom and dad bought "Shout the music". A DVD music quiz game that dad and I beat the pants off Petey and Mom on.
It was lots of fun.

We got Magoo to bed around 8 and bean followed behind him about 9pm. Petey and I waited as long as our tired bodies could handle for Santa to come and stock up the Christmas goodies. Put the presents under the tree around 10 30 and by 11 45, Bean was running into the room letting us know that Santa had been here. Pete tried putting us back to sleep but her and I just could not do it. We were up and finished unwrapping presents by 1:00am.

This year when she visited Santa she told him that she wanted a tent and a new angel that she broke for Me. I stood there, with tears in My face. So I made sure that she had an angel and a note from santa about how sweet it was to ask for that. She could not believe he rememebered and that he had brought it just for Me. It was a memory to keep in the forefront of My mind.

Magoo was not entirely happy that we got him up out of a sleep to upwrap presents. Of course all he wanted was the paper and did fairly well until about 45 minutes into it hit. He sure did try! We made him a bottle and put him back to bed.

We then went to Mom and Dads to spend the day. That is always nice to just jump in the car in our PJ's and not have to go very far. We all enjoyed it.

I love this time of year. Not because of the presents or because people are nicer. Just because I enjoy watching My children believe in the magic of Christmas. Knowing that sadly that innocence and mystery does not stay for long. Believing in something that one can not touch or see with their own eyes. I think more adults should believe.

She left cookies and milk for santa. It has become a tradition in our house to also leave carrots for the reindeer. She left an extra one this year for Rudolf because she was sure Santa was using him due to the fog. Santa left her a note thanking her for doing just that because it was very foggy and he had to use him this year.

I was upset because I did not get My Holiday cards out in time but I am hoping to get them out by monday. At least then it is still the season and people will get what I put off sending. I tend to do that each and every year. Next year perhaps I will have them all ready to go. (Highly doubtful)

Things are still not put back together after the holiday tornado went through. There are still toys everywhere, still tons of cookies in the jars and rooms that are piled with presents we have yet to put away. I am wondering why no one gave Me a housekeeper for Christmas????

I am glad to know that things will start to slow down a bit. Bean goes back to school next week (Which I can not wait for) and Magoo is starting to get back on his normal schedule.

I promise to write soon!

Tuesday, December 12, 2006


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This past weekend was a blast! Magoo and Bean went to see Santa and both kids were loads of fun to watch. I was surprised that Magoo did not scream but he was his normal "Whatever" type disposition. It is so fun to watch him just have that attitude about the people around him.

Bean missed school yesterday and both kids are sick and have went to the doctor. Does not shock Me. This time of year is always bad for sickness around here.

I do believe that I have most of My shopping done and a lot of it wrapped already. This year I think I am a bit up on the intake. Last year while pregnant with Magoo I was very sick and was not able to do a lot. Of course, magoo really won't care about the presents. Just the paper and the boxes.

The rest of the week as well as the weekend looks to be busy. Busy is nice sometimes!

Until I write again!

Da Mom

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Catching up

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I loved this picture. Although I have only seen the Northern lights once. They are quite beautiful.

Since I have not written in awhile I thought perhaps I should sit here and catch up on all that I have missed lately.

Starting with Halloween
It was extremely cold here this Halloween. Magoo was sick so I kept him at Mom and Dads while Hannah and I went out trick or treating. Me driving the tractor and her in the back of the trailer. Any and every piece of warm clothing she stole from Me as soon as we left the driveway. She went as a barbie geshia. Not the best costume to wear at the end of october, yet She looked beautiful.

Magoo was a Dalmation puppy and kept quite warm in grandma's arms while trick or treat happened!

Just within the last 3 days he has started to crawl. The 1st of December actually. He has been wanting to crawl for sometime just never really got the motor running the correct way. Now, I can not keep him still. If I walk away, he follows. Thankfully I can hear his little knees hit the floor and know he is behind Me. He tends to be My shadow.

I have also started to rock him less and less to sleep. I remember reading it in J's journal about how hard it was to do that. It is funny with both kids being far apart in age, I tend to forget exactly how heartbreaking it is. Thankfully, it only took him about 2 nights to get the idea that I was not coming back for him. Now, he hardly cries.

Bean has been doing wonderful in school and loves the first grade. She comes home with 100% on most everything and really beats herself up if she doesn't. I am not entirely sure I like the 1st grade. She comes home with some off the wall things. Tends to have this smart ass attitude and always wants to get her way.

Petey is strictly on midnights now. He was on swing shift 12 hours. The pay has been almost cut in half which is killing us but he is around more which is nice.

I throughly enjoy this time of year. Everyone is so cheerful and I tend to try and get organized and wear Myself out.

Anyhow... We are all off to help Grandma and Grandpa put up their tree. I was so happy that when we went shopping friday I found some ornaments that looked exactly like My Grandma B's ornaments did on her tree. It really made the holidays feel like home.

BTW.. if you happen to stop by here, whether I know you are not. Please leave a comment. Bean checks all the time to see if people really stop.

Friday, November 24, 2006

Happy Thanksgiving

I feel just aweful that I have not written for so long. I keep a written journal for both kids everyday so coming here to write has just been too far and in between. When I think I will get a moment to sit here and write it seems I am mistaken!

Thanksgiving was wonderful. I throughly enjoy spending time with family and am thankful that most of Mine is healthy. I ate too much of course and came home exhausted. Sounds about like everyone else's Thanksgiving too huh!

Bean has been healthy. Thank the Goddess, although it has been fun with the holidays getting closer. I love to look into childrens eyes and see the new sparkle when all the Christmas things come into the stores. When the music starts to flow and all the commercials on TV show nothing but Christmas things. She has never been on that makes a "list" for Santa. She always just says that santa will bring her neat things no matter what they are. Every year her and I sit down and go through her old toys and take it to Goodwill. Also this year she made sure that we bought something for Toys for tots. I do believe she thinks we have all the money in the world! She has such a giving heart. They started spelling tests each week. She has gotten 100/100 each and every week! I am so proud.

Now MaGoo has been ANYTHING but healthy. he has been sick most of October and November. Had an allergic reaction to Sulfa in his last antibotic, which caused quite a scare. He broke out in hives and could not breath. Thankfully, I was able to get him into the doctor and get him some help.

Allergies to date:

Through it all he laughed and smiled. I must say that even if both of the kids are deathly sick you would never know it. They are both always so happy.

Petey has been having a really hard time. Thanksgiving without his dad has been extremely rough. His mom is in MN and did not even call to wish him Happy Thanksgiving. When she does call, she never asks how things are with us, never asks about the kids. It hurts him quite a bit. Little does she know is that I have to pick up the pieces each and everytime she screws up.

I am blessed. I have a great family, where few feathers are ever ruffled. We all get along and bitch little. I am the type of person who does not put up with much. Pete is the exact opposite. I cut My losses fairly early and move on. He keeps pushing. Of course We pretty much both are emotional people and hurt easily, he just shows it and I don't.

He has always described it as this.
She is the Rock and the leader.
I am the Water and the follower.

That is fine with Me.

I am truely looking forward to the holidays. Having small kids is always a wonderful thing this time of year. It would be so nice if we all took the time to look at all of it like kids do. The magic, the love, the giving... all things that make them so innocent. Believing in things that they can not see. I think we should all be like that year round.

Not just this time of year.

Monday, October 09, 2006

Manic Monday

Both kids slept something aweful last night. Goo was up every hour and a half with his teeth and Bean coughed most of the night.

It is making it really hard to be awake this morning. I am sure that today My patience will grow thin and a nap will be in order.

If not you will read about a Mother going crazy in this part of the state.

Bean has another field trip coming up and Petey and I are both going. She is very excited.

She has been trying to get sick lately and I just keep pushing the meds and fluids. I think soon I may have to give up and take her to the doctor. This time of year is always so bad with the colds and bronchitis. Which her and I seem to get far too often. Lets just hope that Goo has his dads immune system because he surely does not want ours.

Things around here have been stressed. Petey has been working a lot filling in for someone that has been off ill and the kids and I miss him greatly. It just makes everything off balance. Although, I must admit that when he is home everything is up in the air. I tend to get on "MY" schedule and My way of doing things. So, when he is home nothing runs the way I think they should.

Off to feed the goo before he starves to death. Goddess forbid he does not eat he will waste away to nothing!

Thursday, October 05, 2006

More teeth

Magoo has now the two bottom teeth and three coming in at the top. Fussy is an understatement. I know that they have to be killing him and he has no problem showing it.

Bean is looking forward to the weekend and so am I! Getting her up for school is no fun at all!

Wanted to just write quick.. will write in the morning.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Busy Life

Life around here seems to never slow down.

Bean had a field trip yesterday and I went with her. I enjoyed it but was rather ready to get My ass off a bus full of 6 year olds. I was in charge on 4 little girls and was ready to ship them back to their mothers by the end of the day. I forgot how hyper little girls can be.

Bean seems to be having a bit of trouble at school. Nothing huge but she just keeps forgetting to turn things in. Such as homework, lunch money, notes. It is driving Me insaine. No matter how many times I remind her she still forgets. I am to call the teacher tomorrow to figure out what is going on. She has told me everything is "stressful" that she just forgets. In my asking what is so stressful about it she tells Me...

"I am talking to the girls and I forget"

Giggles... wonders when she will learn to not tell EVERYTHING to mom!

Goo is doing well. Has his bottom teeth in and is fighting through the top two. It is making life around here almost unbearable! Unlike Bean, he is not one that naps during the day. She was a wonderful sleeper. Loved to nap and loved to sleep all night. He on the other hands does not sleep through and will not nap for more then 30 minutes at a time. It makes a mother want to pull her hair out.

Trust me... I sooo want to pull it out!

The Mom

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Wonderful Weekend

Things have been quite busy around here. Yet then again what else is new?

The weekend turned out to be quite wonderful. Friday Bean had her first friend over for dinner to play. They had a wonderful time and I am just starting to get the feel for a loud, kid filled home. Although I must admit that 9pm (The time she left) did not come soon enough!

Saturday the four of us went to a festival. We all had such a wonderful time. The weather was beautiful and it was nice to actually get out and spend time just relaxing.
Petey works a lot and finding time to do something we all like together is not always an easy task. I know it will only get harder as the kids grow. And I am seeing they do grow fast. Perhaps too fast for my liking.

We spent some time taking walks in the woods on sunday and took what bean calls a mini vacation. A mini vacation is when we pack a lunch, get in the car and point directions we want to go. No matter where we end up. We ended up being in the car for 6 hours. Stopping anywhere and everywhere we wanted. Had our lunch, MaGoo had his first swing ride and giggled the entire time. We saw a beautiful waterfall in which Bean and I stuck our heads in! Took several walks, pick more then enough flowers and ate way too much icecream.

Although I must say that Petey laughs at Bean and I because every flower or rock we take we thank mother earth. He calls us "Nature hippies" . I suppose in some way we are.

I have been in great study in herbalism and shamanism. I am throughly enjoying it. Everyone thinks it is a bit off the wall but when have I not been eccentric? A bit strange or into things that normal people aren't. Anyhow I have been enjoying it very much and My herb and oil cabinet is overflowing. Bean has enjoying learning about it too. I suppose you could say we are taking those studies together.

The week as well will start to get busy, so I wanted to quickly write!

The Mom

Saturday, September 02, 2006

A tooth, sitting up and being a drag!

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Goo has tooth!
One popping up on the bottom and it brings back such cute memories from when Hannah was that little! He keeps biting his tongue and lip because he is not used to it yet. How neat to watch them go through all the first's in life.

It amazes Me how quickly both babies are growing. Goo is sitting up now and played ball with Bean on the floor this evening. Bean did not move that quickly through all the first's. He on the other hand is moving very quickly. Then again I think with your first one you can not wait for them to do everything and watch everyday if there are doing it or not yet. The second it pop's up on you because you are not watching as closely.

Bean spent the day with grandma and grandpa. Being dragged around the yard by their dog Tippy. She loves spending time with them and I enjoy that she loves that. I enjoyed that too and always loved the fact that my grandparents were in my life. She is lucky that hers are so wonderful.

I am off to bed, still feeling under the weather but did not want to miss out on writing about this wonderful day of firsts!

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Oh My Goddess!

I have not written here in awhile. My computer has been on the crapper and Hannah has started school. So trying to get back in the swing of things has proven to be quite the challenge. She so far loves school and her teacher. Getting up and catching the bus is not her favorite thing but she is getting better at it.

We all have caught the flu and cold that has been going around. Thankfully it does not seem to stay long and we are all feeling much better!

I hope to sit down tomorrow and write about her first day but wanted to make sure ya'll knew I was still alive and kicking!

In love and light,

Sunday, August 13, 2006


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This is one of the many songs that I started singing to Bean when she was little and have now started singing it to MaGoo.

It reminds me that even though we are parents and are the teachers we have so much that we can learn from our children. They are teachers as well. If we listen to them and watch them we will learn that in their world everything and everyone is accepted and loved.

Oddly enough tonight I could hardly get through their lullaby without tears welling up in mine.

Hush my love
Don't you cry
everything will be alright
Close your eyes
Drift to sleep
Rest in peaceful dreams
If there's one thing I hope I show you
Hope I show you
Just give love to all
Oh My love
In my arms tight
Everyday you give me light
As I drift to your world
Rest in peaceful sleep
I know there is one thing that you show me
Just give love to all

Photo-Getty Images

Monday, August 07, 2006

Fish, Fish, Everywhere theres fish

If by chance you see the same template when you read this please refresh your browser. I have changed the template. It is of course still under construction but isn't everything!

Beaner starts school pretty soon. Something I am not really sure I am liking yet. It will be nice to get everyone on a schedule again. The summer has proved to be quite busy and I am looking forward to the winter for a bit of a slow down.

Went out for Petey's birthday yesterday. It was thursday but he had to work so we went out to eat last night to celebrate. What an old man!

Gave in and bought Beaner some fish. Her and E are enjoying it lots. Although I did not want to do it again. I am always the one that takes care of it all. Her and her dad brought home a ditch turtle about a year ago who is now named Bob. She swore that she would take care of it. Of course she doesn't and I swore he would be dead belly up a week later. Nope... the damn thing is still stinky and kicking!

She has 3 fish she named MaGoo, Daddy and Bean. In the middle of the tank is a large rock in which everyone of them swims in and out of. Of course she says the sweetest thing.

"Sorry Mom there is not a fish with your name. you can be the rock in the middle that everyone finds comfort in cause you do that here too"

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Gotta love her.

Blessings and love!
The Mom

Sunday, July 30, 2006


I had My 10 year class reunion last night. Pete and I had a very good time, yet it was strange to see how much everyone had changed. I surely do not feel as if I have been out of school that long. It is odd to think back then everything happening in your life was so important. Yet when you look back on it it was so small compared to the things going on in My life now.

Friends and loves were important to your life. Now I can not imagine those things being so in the front of My mind. Now My children are the top things.

I drank far to much but had a wonderful time. I loved seeing old friends and those that said they were going to turn out to be everything, yet have turned out just like everyone else.

Mom kept the babies. They both loved being with her. It is nice to go away every so often and not have to worry about them!

The Mom

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Taking a breath

Things around here have been so busy. Running here and running there with never a chance to just take a breath.

My grandfathers estate sale is this weekend and even as I sit here and type this I get sick to my tummy. It is so sad that myself and my family have to stand there with a bunch of strangers and bid on things that were my grandmothers because some people in my family are just complete asses.

These are the times that all I can do is just be thankful that I am close to those in my family that I am and teach my babies to not be that way. To not gossip about others or alienate simply because you think that those rumors are true.

I will let you know what the outcome is. Although I am guessing that it will not be good.

The Mom

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Rain, Rain go away!

It is pouring down rain here today! The perfect day to just nap your life away!

It seems lately we have been too busy to breathe. Yet the kids have been having a blast. I remember when I was young and my parents trying to fit all the fun stuff in before the school year began again. Seems we are doing just that.

The weekend turned out to be lovely. Spent time going through old slides of my grandma saturday with my parents and spending the evening with them, spent sunday at our friends with the kids swimming and eating wayyyy to much.

Hannah has been going through a very smartmouthed stage. I know how to believe for those that think she is the perfect angel! Thankfully Pete and I are nipping it in the bud before it gets out of control. I figured this would come with the teenage years, not yet. Although everyone told me that once she started school it would start and oh how it has! I won't go into great detail (wouldn't want to ruin her rep with those that think of her as pefect) lets just say it is trying My patience! I really should not complain too much as she reminds me of myself!

Ethan is teething which is causing his whole attitude and demenor to be off kilter. Usually he is very laid back and goes with the flow, these days he is fighting the flow and trying to go in the other direction.

Even through all of this they are still just both precious and each and everyday I look at them and wonder how I got so lucky!

Blessings Kids!
The Mom

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Battle of the Wills

At this very moment I am having a battle of the wills between My son and Myself.

Who do you think will win?

He has become quite the momma's boy. And although it is wonderful he HAS to nap when it is nap time. I do not mean these little 15 minute naps in between. So at this very moment he is wrapped tightly, fed and dry. Laying in his crib screaming his beautiful lungs out.

At least it is easier this time around. The first it killed Me to hear Bean cry.. now... cry away my son... cry away!

The Mom

Saturday, July 01, 2006


Giggles to death!

To Mr. Rook!

Alright... so they are birds. That is what I meant!
Birds birds birds!

And BTW.... Giggles.. I can give you a link for kinky. Trust Me.. I would scare you away! Then you would really feel creepy and that diary blog you would NOT want to read! It would really flip ya out!

Nice of you to stop by finally. Heck I email you and wonder if you are around... and not a word!

Love ya!
The Mom

A long time

I know that I have not posted in a while. Things around here have been anything but great.

Petes mom is in ICU with blood clots in her lungs. She is thankfully getting better but this has been so hard on P and I. He is miserable and I am tired of being the rock and pulling everything together. It has been very hard on both of us and the kids as well. Running everyday has made it near impossible to get anything done.

Bean on the other hand went to her first amusement park on wednesday. Pete and I took a break from everything and took her. She LOVED it. Watching her was wonderful. She had such a blast.

I promise to sit later and really write. Not much time this morning but wanted to update.

The Mom

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Lighting bugs, whipperwills and bobwhites

For those of you that live in places that do not have whipperwills they are bugs that make exactly that sound.
Whipper will... whipper will
bob white... bob white.

We also have bugs that are called bob whites. They are out in full circle as well.
It is wonderful living out here in the country when all the bugs and birds make noise. Went out to catch lighting bugs tonight with Bean. Were not very successful. I sure do not remember as a kid catching them to be so hard. Perhaps I was just faster then!

Thankfully for Beans sake we were able to catch one lighting bug. She put in it a jar and then felt bad 10 minutes later and let it go. Such a heartfelt little girl. We have spent the majority of the week outdoors. It has been hot and beautiful. Although I so much enjoy being out with her the house is a huge huge mess!

Oh well your kids are only little once and only want to play with you for alittle while!

So that was my night, just wanted to quickly update!

In love and light,
The Mom

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Anything but ordinary

My life lately has been anything BUT ordinary. In fact these few weeks have been really trying times. Petey's family has been ... well let's put it this way. It is one thing to crap on us but when you say to a 6 year old child "I am sorry that your parents are such terriable people", well then you hit a spot with me that very few go. In fact those were the exact words of his sister in law.

I am the type of person that usually does not air my stinky laundry to those around me. Yet this is my place to write and vent. Oh how I need to vent.

I am also the type of person who loves people, gives them chances to prove that they are not boobs. I am not the type that follows the "Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me." There is no twice. There is no one and a half for that matter.
I have been doing really well backing Pete up when it comes to all of the crap we are going through but have just said enough is enough. Does not mean that I love pete anyless it simply means that I know exactly what it is like to have family who shits on you.

When that was said to Bean a million things rushed back into my heart. All of the crap that I was put through as a kid with Dads side of the family hit hard and I will be damned it Bean will go through that as well. They are NEVER welcome into my home again. I may not be able to protect my kids when they leave this front door, in which they make their own choices and parents pray that they make the right ones.
This is the safe haven. This is the spot that they are protected and do not have to worry about getting hurt. So they will NEVER set foot into this house again.

**Wipes foreheard**

Alright enough with that.

Beans party was saturday. It was so cold and rainy that we had to have it inside. Sadly not too many kids showed up, in fact just one from school and two of our friends children. She had the best time. Rain or no rain! She does not quite grasp that your birthday is only one day. She wants to celebrate all week long! Does not work that way sister! She is getting so tall and lanky. Goo on the other hand for sure takes after my side of the family. He is round and chunky. Why is it that as a baby chucky and chubby is cute yet when you are an adult it just isn't? Giggles

The weather was lovely yesterday. Even though the entire family is sick (We just keep passing it around to each other) we spent most of the day outside. In the pool and the waterslide. We even had a picnic and simply enjoyed being together on the warm summer day. I tried putting Magoo into the pool. How funny! He hated it. Screamed the entire time until I took him out and wrapped him into a blanket. He was the only one that did not get sunburnt! Thank Goddess. Yes it is GODDESS not Goodness. I had someone the other day tell Me that I mispelled it. Smiles... I wanted to clear it up for her!

We are getting better slowly... but surely. Getting a cold in the summer seems to be the worst type. Does not seem to go away like it should. Yet I have been catching up on some of my reading so that is a good thing. Reading the best book at the moment.

The ultimate guide to Goddess Empowerment

It goes through all of the Goddess's and their charateristics. It really is a wonderful book and one I would recommend to anyone that enjoys that type of thing. I tried to get my mom to read it.... no go!

Slowly getting my store up and running on Ebay. Once it is all finished I will send the link to those that want it. Of course I will send the link even if you don't in hopes that I am not wasting my time and will make some money!

That is it for now.... a vent post that really did not make any sense at all!

In love and light
The mom

Monday, June 12, 2006


They did not have you where I come from
Never knew the best was yet to come
Life began when I saw your face
I hear your laugh like a serenade
How long do you want to be loved?
Is forever enough?
Cause I am never giving you up
I slip into bed when you are asleep
To hold you close and feel your breath on Me
Tomorrow there will be so much to do
Tonight I will drift in a dream with you
How long do you want to be loved?
Is forever enough?
I am never giving you up.
As you wander through this troubled world
In search of all things beautiful
You can close your eyes when you are miles away
Hear my voice like a serenade
How long do you want to be loved?
Is forever enough?
Is forever enough?
I am never giving you up.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Forever and a day

I can not believe when I looked to see the last time I had written it had been a week. Gosh!
Chalk it up to Goo and I both being terribly sick and just now feeling better. I hate when I am sick, but when one of the kids are sick it makes it 10 times worse!
Beans birthday is tomorrow and she is so excited. You would think she was getting ready to win the lottery or something!

I really do not have the energy to sit and write tons. Just wanted ya'll to know that we were okay on this end of the earth!

Until later
The Mom

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Old Maids and Rainbows

While pregnant with "The girly" I swore that I would never name my babies something that other kids could shorten.


I swore that I would stick to my guns until I started calling the girl "Bean". We did not know what sex she was and bean just seemed to fit. To this day she is "The Bean", "Bean" or "Beaner".
Then the boy came along and I swore again that I would not do it this time around. Leave it to Grandpa to nickname him. He is now "Mr. Magoo", "Magoo" or simply "goo".
So if you see those nicknames now you know what I am talking about.
Of course Paul has always been "Petey" and I have always been "The boss" Giggles
We are just a family that is clearly too confused! We can not even remember each others names!

Yesterday was one of those days when you get out of bed and just should have gotten back in! I knew I had to go get Goo different formula as the new one I bought was not agreeing with him. Petey said he would keep him while I went and I agreed! Of course! I took Hannah to school, went the other direction and hit the grocery store.I am taking my time... getting my fruit, getting the formula. Taking advantage of having no children in my cart! I knew that I had to walk over to the dollar store and get babywipes and some party favors for Hannah's birthday. 15 minutes until they open. I hop over to the gas station get myself a cup of hot joe and enjoy just sitting in the parking lot listening to the radio.


I look around and the parking lot is full of people sitting in their cars waiting for the store to open. People... women... in their late 70's. When the hell did I become this old? Here I am, Clothes that are huge after losing 80 pounds while pregnant with Goo and after. My hair which needs colored has gray popping through. (Not good for someone who does hair for a living), hair in a bun, no makeup and flip flops that are broken. My heart sinks and I think...holy crap. When did I become one of these old women waiting for the Dollar store to open?

How I wish I could have just went back to bed!

After my lovely "down on myself" day, Hannah and I sat at the patio door and watched the rain pour down. There is nothing better then a beautiful rain to wash away everything that came before. After the rain grandma calls and tells us that there is a rainbow. What a beautiful rainbow it was! It was the first time that I have ever seen the beginning and ending of a rainbow. There were two of them and we must have sat there up until the clouds whisked it away. It was such a lovely ending to a funny day!

In love and light,
The mom

Sunday, May 28, 2006

Where I am from

This was taken from a friend. Thank you Jilly!

It is mirrored after the poem by George Ella Lyons.

I am from tuna biscuits over mushroom soup, from fried treat and chocolate milk that always had more chocolate then milk.

I am from a little gray house with black shutters that have not changed in 20 years. Where the patio door always stayed open to listen to the birds and feel the wind whip through like a water on a hot summer day. Where everyone knew the name of their neighbor and asking for sugar was considered "polite". I am from window air conditioners and hot water in the sink every night after dinner. I am from a small bathroom that was fought over between three people and a father who teased you until you cried and a mother who stuck up for you like a best friend. I am from dirty looks when my mother made me mad and "wait until your father gets home". I am from a father who would tell you he was lost just to see you panic and a mother who would care for the neighborhood stray.

I am from the beautiful well kept garden of flowers cared for by my mothers hands and huge lilac bushes that smelled my grandmothers back yard like a sweet perfume each and every spring. I am from a large oak tree in the middle of the driveway and large gravel that dug into your skin everytime you fell off your bike. I am from a town where you could ride your bike for hours and never get lost and the "strange" car that pulled over was always someone you knew. I am from the town with very few children and a class that had 21 kids.

I am from Christmas music, cookies and eggnog every year while putting up the tree and a family full of more christmas spirit then anyone knew what to do with, from a mother who knew exactly what I needed. From a mother who stuck up for me even when I was wrong, whos kiss could take away every scar faster then you could breathe. From a mother who would curl up on the couch, I on the loveseat and who would watch the sunday night movie with me in our pajama's. From a father who truely made you feel like daddys little girl and would handle each and every fight if you asked him to. A father who would show you your heart as a child and cradle it as a teen. A father who would lie in bed with you and hold you when your heart was broken for the first time and want to kick his ass in the process. From a mother who would try and smack you and miss or break the blood vessels in her hand from doing so. I am parents who would know when you lied and when you told the truth. Never knowing exactly how they did it. I am from tonka trucks and barbie dolls who's hair was always cut exremely short. I am from cabbage patch kids and New kids on the block. I am from a group of three close girlfriends who really never got along and a car that was a green bomb.

I am from hot summer days sitting on the living room floor cheering on the Chicago cubs and fans blowing in your face because we did not have airconditioning. I am from dinners at the table and more food then you could eat on a sunday evening. I am from beef roasts cooking all day and carrots surrounding it like decoration. I am from green mouth wash in a beautiful clear glass bottle with a cork top and a bathroom sink that was always as clean as a crystal. I am from cluttered closets and unorganized drawers a trait that I learned from my mother. I am from a father who was more tidy then any of us in the house and who was a bear if you spilled even water on the carpet. I am from a hardworking family that worked for everything we had and one who taught you the meaning of a dime.

I am from a family where sticking together meant putting up with people you did not like and "If they hit you first you hit back". Where family time meant just that even if you wanted to be somewhere else. I am from "Eat what I cooked or don't eat at all" and hot dogs over the fire no matter what time of day.

I am from a family who believes in god but never went to church. "Going to a building" did not mean you were closer to heaven. Where praying was done in private and words were spoken in your head. That god does everything for a reason and you do not question it.

I am from the humid summers of Indiana and the blustery winters in December. I am from chubby Bohemians, sweet pork, dumplings and milk toast.

From the grasshoppers made by my grandmother at christmas time no matter how young you were and card playing that was always cheated through. I am from grandparents who threw bread at each other when mad and a grandfather who could eat every piece that was thrown as long as it had butter on it and Easter sundays walking down the bunny trail of suckers even if you were 20 years old.

I am from pictures in a box, first haircuts saved and stories that are told over and over again so you never forget their worth. I am from parents who are my best friends and family that never leaves you under even the worst circumstances.

I am now from the same small town, with the same people, a mother of two and parents who live just around the corner. I am from a similar small house only mine is gray with BLUE shutters and most of the same tendencies of motherhood that my mother had. I am from a home where I stay to raise the babies and keep them safe from harm. I am the heart of a writer, a singer, a reader, a learner and a woman who feels love and care for almost everyone she meets. I am the lover of the night and family. I am from a true heart that cares too much and recieves too little. I am from a soul that gives people the benefit of the doubt and is optimistic. I am also from a mind that does not take shit twice and can be quite mean when it is needed. I am the mother bird and noone messes with my babies.

I am me. Complicated and emotional. Protective and Moody. Loving and gentle. A reader of childrens books at night and wipperwills in the dark. I am from fireflies in a jar and camping during the summer. I am from the best family.

Friday, May 26, 2006

Coffee Morning Cloud

This morning My head feels a bit cloudy. The heaviness in the air from all the stress that has surrounded us lately has caused me to feel a bit out of sorts. I do wonder if there will be an end anytime soon. It is not until I hold the baby in My arms and feel his warmth beside me that I feel at ease. It is not until I crawl in bed with Hannah and feel her head on my shoulder that I feel the world is a bit smaller then it really is. That the center of My universe is simply an arm legth away.

I know that all of us have the family "thumb". We all suffer from one of those people who you simply want to slap unside the head and tell them how utter stupid they really are. Having to deal with them day and in day out is about to kill Paul and I. We can not wait until we are finished dealing with everything that surrounded his dads passing so that we can finally get on with "normal" life. Normal life, with normal people and normal family things.

Because things have been so forced upon us. To handle each and every small detail I am most certain that Paul has not been able to grieve. I have never been one who outwardly voices either my relgious views or politcal ones but I will say that he will not have any closure anytime soon unless he just tells them all to go away until he is able to deal with things on his terms. That is where he and I drastically differ. I am the type that no matter what will state my voice and my feelings. He is more of the quiet let people walk on me , until I can not deal with it anymore type. I was proud of him that he has been sticking up for himself and telling them... back off.

He asked me the other day what I really believe in. What I believe when we pass. This is what I believe. I believe in God. I believe in heaven and earth. I also believe that there are stops along the way between those two points. I believe that there are guidelines that can help us achieve different levels of understand who we are and where we have come from. Levels, planes so to speak between point A and point B. I have never just "believed" in one religion. I believe in many aspects of many different religious choices. Take for instance...

I believe in God. I believe that when you die you reach heaven and you are with the ones that came before you.

I believe in some of the Wiccan aspects. That everything on this earth has a meaning and that fate readily exsists. That you are able to change the universe by being respectful to it. Planting lavender at gardens gate for love. Ridding your home of bad energy.

I believe in aspects of Judism. That through practice and traditions we are able to better understand ourselves.

Hannah on the other hand believes that her "Master" at karate is the only smart one. I am the dumb one! She is sooo enjoying it. They hold no bars and she is already learning the true meaning of self. I am proud of her.

Yes perhaps all of it rolled into one and my picking out the parts that mean something to me is not traditional. Yet I have to find peace within myself and my beliefs.

I know that I am on a bit of a journey of words, so to speak, this morning. I suppose I am just taking this early morning time to spill my heart. We are looking into a very rough day today as the memorial for Pauls dad is at noon. He did not want a traditional anything. No funeral, no wake. He was creamated and wanted a "get together" to celebrate his life. It is a nice thought, but we are not the ones that are running the show. The other side of the family (the complicated and umm.... (thinking of a nice word) odd side is handling it. Paul and I are not looking forward to going.

Ethan (whom woke up at 4am) did not want to go back to sleep this morning. That was fine with me as I layed him next to my chest and just watched him smile and breath. There is something so beautiful about the breath a baby takes in and lets out. Knowing that it was you and the universe that gave them life. Such a beautiful thing.

Hannah and I cuddled in her bed last night. Fell asleep holding hands... woke up with her feet in my face. Totally uncovered I crawled out of bed and just looked at her. Enjoying that moment as I know anytime she will wake up and will not be quiet for her waking hours.

That is it for now. I feel blessed this morning and just wanted to share.

In love and light,
The Mom

Wednesday, May 24, 2006


For Easter My mom and dad got me the cutest book.. it is called Momisms. I was sitting here with My morning coffee reading through it.... Here are some of them

Cathy Hamilton

Just be yourself
(For son)
Be anyone but your father.
(For girl) Be just like Me!

Go out and play in traffic
"I have had enough of you for the day. Dont even think about coming back in until I am fully medicated."

"You have a cute figure"
"So you look like a stick... enjoy it while it lasts!"

"Pretty is as pretty does"
"Pull your skirt down, keep your legs together, get the hair out of your eyes,Stand up straight, Take your elbows off the table, Pick up your feet when you walk"

"Is that what you are going to wear?"
"I would not be caught dead in that and neither will you"

"What do you need, an engraved invitation? Sit down and eat!"
If you want to make moms day.... when she yells that dinner is ready, run to the table, licking your lips and yell..."Me first" If you can leave a family member on the floor in your wake... all the better

"Sure your brother has book smarts, but you have street smarts"
Moms should be careful when using this one. In explaining street smarts really means common sense. Not the natural ability to sell crack out of the front of the car.

"I am on strike"
Thank goodness these only last a few minutes. After moms guilt sets in. There have been instances of prolonged work stoppages by mothers who have walked out of their homes and manned picket lines in their own backyards. When this happens families would be well advised to negotiate a settlement before mom makes it to the six o clock news.

Long day

Good morning--
I have not written in a few days. Just been too busy to be able to sit here and write. Hannah starts Karate today. She is MORE then excited and already is asking to go everyday. They only have it on wednesday's. THANK GODDESS!

Ethan is feeling much, much better! I really thought I was going to take him back to the doctor. Thankfully he had one bad night then started to feel better.

Just wanted to write quickly.. need to get some stuff done

In love and light,

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Pulling my hair out!

I have not written for a few days because Ethan has been really sick. Between being pulled with Hannah and Ethan I am going to pull my hair out and be 100% bald!

I just wanted to write very quickly so ya'll knew we were still alive!

Going to bed while I still can!

In love and light,

Thursday, May 18, 2006


I am just a bit tired today. Mom had Ethan most of the day while Paul and I worked outside getting our garden pond and flowers planted. It turned out to thankfully be a nice day. Rained a little this morning but turned out to be fairly sunny. It has rained for so many days straight that finally being able to get things done was nice. It is supposed to rain all weekend as well... so thank god it is finished!

Hannah did not go to school yesterday. Was up most of the night sick and felt better enough to go to school today. She helped me plant as soon as she got home. It was hard waiting for her because I just wanted to get it finished but I knew that she would so enjoy helping. She sure did!

Anyhow... Just wanted to write quickly before I went off to bed.

In love and light,

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

A Maid

If anyone wants to send me a maid (payed for of course) I will give you my address faster then you can sneeze!

I am trying to clean house today, but you can tell I am not doing well at all. Of course you can tell I am sitting here writing.

I wanted to quickly thank Jill for commenting so often. It really means a lot to me.

Let Me explain a bit to those that are friends and family so close who Jill is. Jill is someone that I call a "kindered soul". There are very few people that you meet that feel that way. She lives in CA but whether we see each other or talk as much as we should, I always know she is there. I feel her in my heart every single day. Thanks so much for always being there Jilly. You mean a lot to me even if I do not say it as often as I should.

In love and light,

Monday, May 15, 2006

Busy Bee's

It seems like all we do is run around. Paul, Hannah, Ethan and I have not had anytime to ourselves let alone grieve the loss of his father.

Today we spread his dad ashes. It was very hard and Paul is having a hard time of it. I know that in time it will get better. I think we all know that and have lost someone very close to us. It of course will take a great amount of time and patience but it will get better. This year has not been the best of years. Other then Ethan being born the very start of the year did not start out well.

Took Ethan to the doctor today and he has an upper resp. infection. He is just so sick. I hate when any kid is sick but when they are that small it makes it even harder. You just can not do a lot to make things better but cuddle him and I am sure he is getting sick of that.

I just wanted to write quickly before this Tylenol PM kicks in.

In love and light,

Saturday, May 13, 2006

A heartfelt Note

I had someone the other day say to me..."Live everyday as it was your last". It really made me think. Not that I had never heard it before but for some odd reason it radiated in my mind more then it ever had.

I think that statement itself is next to impossible. If you were to live everyday as it were your last day on earth you would not go to work, pay bills, shower, ect. You would never be able to have a roof under your head or pay the bills that you have to pay. You would move to a far away island with only the people that matter most to you. At least I know I would.

I think that the statement would be better served as "LOVE everyday as it were your last.". Now that I put into effect every single day. I call my parents each and everyday to tell them I love them. Always before they are off to sleep. I make sure that my family knows how much I love and care for them whether it is by phone, in person or a letter every now and then to let them know I remember they are there no matter how busy life gets. My babies know that I love them each and every minute of the day and Paul knows it as well.

Perhaps I smoother but I realize that it may happen at any moment. I suppose my entires lately could come off as 'morbid' and I do not mean them too. I just know that life comes and goes so quickly and with Pauls dad passing away it really makes you think and plan life a bit differently.

I hope everyone is having a good weekend. It is very dreary here today. Cold and rainy. One of those days that make you want to curl up in a ball on the bed and sleep the afternoon away.

In love and light

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Time alone

I seem to write at the same two times each and everytime I write. Late night or early morning. Seems those are the only times that I have to myself.

Things around here have of course been busy. Managing two households is really wearing me out and I wonder when the next time will be when I am able to take a deep cleansing breathe. From the outlook on things it does not seem that I will do that any time soon. The kids are both great although I think Ethan maybe getting a bit of a cold.

I had them both in the bath tonight and had one of those "Wow" moments. When I was in highschool and growing up there was nothing more I wanted to do then to travel and sing. I just knew back then that I would leave this one horse town and never look back. I then fell in love with Paul and stayed exactly where my roots started. There were times before I had the babies that we had thought about moving far away. It was not until I started traveling all the time for modeling that I realized there is no other place I would rather be then where my roots started. With both kids in the bath tonight, playing together that I just sat back and looked at them.

There is no single place in the world that I would rather be then right here... right now. With the debt and the bills. With the stress and the love. With family and friends. There is no place that I could think of that would make my heart feel more full then it did at that very moment. I think as you grow older, have children that you realize it does not get any better then that. No matter how many rough times you have in your marriage, no matter how many bills come through, minus the running noses, poopy diapers and sleepless nights. I am content right where I am.

If you happen to stop by here please let me know. Hannah always checks to see who is stopping in. BTW.... she says hi Jilly.

In love and light

Tuesday, May 09, 2006


Since saturday I seem to have been in a bit of a fog. Paul and I have been so busy that we can not seem to even remember what day it is. If it was not for Hannah being in school we would have lost not only hours and days but weeks.

Paul seems to be doing okay. He has his moments of weakness of course and leans on me. I on the other hand feel like the world is falling beneath me. His mom has put me in charge of everything and I just can not seem to keep up. After this Paul and I are going to have to just get away from here and take a bit of time for ourselves. Hannah is doing okay. Had a nightmare about it last night and needed loves. Other then that she seems to be taking everything very well. I was 8 when I had the first death in my heart of my grandma and I remember the torture inside I felt. I can not imagine what she must be feeling when she keeps quiet.

I am very honest and open with her. I am not the type of parent that "sugar coats" things just to keep her safe. I protect her heart, not her head and mind. I think it is important to tell her 100% truth no matter if she fully understands it yet or not.

It really makes you think about life and death and how quickly it is taking right out from under your feet.

I feel lucky to have the parents I have and the support system behind that. I was an only child yet I never felt alone. I am not sure if it was the way I was raised, the friends my parents had always had kids or a mixture of both. I know that I never felt like an only child. I will say the only thing I notice is that I had space then and I still enjoy that alone space.

As I sit here and try to write all the words that are crashing together in my head, I feel old. Aren't you supposed to be old when your parents die? I suppose I am getting old. 30 is creeping up as quickly as time always does. Age is simply a number for me and getting older was never something that bothered me. Yet I am amazed how quickly life passes through.

I am lucky for my life. Paul and I do not live in a masion or drive a brand new car but we are happy. We live well, we have great kids and we both enjoy things that surround our lives. Paul enjoys his work. I enjoy traveling when I model. We enjoy our family and friends. We are lucky.

I just wanted to write before I went off to slumber. I need to get some rest I suppose as we will be over at pauls mom all day packing boxes in that house. She refuses to live there.


In love and light

Sunday, May 07, 2006


I just wanted to update quickly as I had a minute.

Pauls dad passed away Saturday at 3am. Thankfully Paul and I both stayed the night and were there for his passing.

He is in heaven and will not hurt any longer. Thank you for your prayers.

The Mom

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Not so good news

I wanted to take a minute to write. The kids are in bed and Paul is up with his Dad. I am sadly anticipating a call in the middle of the night.

His dad went into the hospital a week ago not feeling well and tests were done. When they came back they showed cancer of the heart, lungs, liver, bladder and bowels. They put him in hospice today and told us to be ready tonight. It has been very stressful and very hard. Please send prayers our way. I will not go into great detail as Paul would not want me to. All I ask is that you keep us in your thoughts.

On a brighter note Hannah went on a field trip to the zoo today. She really had a blast. Paul and I were helpers and the kids really were on their best behavior. It was tons of fun.

Sorry I can not write more. Dead tired and need to get a little more rest then I did last night.

In love and light

Friday, April 28, 2006

Busy Friday

Howdy folks!

Just wanted to update before I went to bed. Ethan just crashed, did not even feel me lay him down. He was so good today under all the circumstances. Pauls dad is in the hospita and while Hannah was at school we went up to see him and then for groceries. It was a VERY long day. Yesterday was much of the same. I was suprised that he did so great.

Hannah is at grandmas tonight having a "movie night". Hannah called and they had already watched "Wallace and Gromit" and "Chicken Little". Sounds like she is having a great time.

I myself am going to crawl into bed in just a moment and call it a night.
Wanted to update quickly

In love and light,

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Wednesday update

Good news on my end!

Went to the doctor today and everything was okay. He said it was not "great" news but good news. The mass in my tummy is confirmed to be a hematoma, more then likely from my C-section and should go away on it's on. My white blood cell count is still elevated and he put me on an anti-inflamatory. The mass itself has gotten smaller in size and seems to be draining itself. Thus the cramping, pain and backaches.

So overall good news on my side. I have to see him again in August for another round of blood work and a Cat Scan. A huge scare for nothing.

Thank you Aunt Sharon for calling mom to check on me. I meant to email you last night but crashed too early. Love you for caring so much.

Thank you Adia, my sister from another mother for sending me a get well card. It is nice to get cards even if it does come from Austria. (You have to get your ass to see me girly!)

It is 7:16pm and Hannah is sitting next to me playing The Simpsons on x-box. Ethan is ready to eat... Will be back

Exactly one hour later. (Super mom)

Ethan is now in bed. THANK GOD! I love the little boy but between 7 and 8:30 is his fussy time. Drives me up the wall. A bath, ceral and pears later he is in bed sleeping soundly.

I had to giggle tonight because I said something I swore I would never say. Something my mother always said to me. The dreaded..."You need to listen, I don't just talk to her my own voice ya know". It is one of those things you swear you will never say or do. Like cleaning your kids faces with your spitty finger, licking your hand to smooth down their hair. You know things that grossed you out when your mother did it to you.

I took Hannah to school today and got the first "you mortify your kids moment". We were in the car and I was singing to a song on the radio. The conversation went a bit like this.....

"Mom... honestly you are so unpopular"
"Hannah I am the coolest girl you will ever know"
"Okay mom keep telling yourself that, just don't do that when we get close to the school. Please do not make me look dumb"

So of course, anyone who knows me I did just that. I got out of the car, hiked my pants up to my boobs and walked with a limp. She about died! The office lady was laughing and I simply said that I was 'trying' not to make a fool out of her! She is gonna love me as a teenager.

Anywho... that is pretty much my day. Now all I need to do is get Hannah to bed and have a nice cold glass of wine.

In love and light,

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Tuesday woes

I wanted to write earlier but I just was not able to sit down here. So here I am. Kids are in bed and I finally have a bit of time to take a breath.

I go to the doctor tomorrow. Recieved a phone call from his office yesterday afternoon stating that he wanted to see me ASAP. I asked what the news was and all the nurse said is he needs to see me now. So I have a 10:30am appointment. Doctor's offices always make you feel so great. They call you to tell you that they need to see you now, then do not tell you a thing past that. Makes you worry to death. All I can do is wait and see what will happen.

Hannah was busy all weekend long with birthday parties. Had one saturday and sunday. I am starting to become the mom taxi. Took Ethan to the doctor yesterday. He was supposed to get shots but has a touch of the flu so they waited. He is up to 13 pounds now and is just so sweet. Hannah of course is the mother hen and tells me that I do everything wrong. God love her!

All this medical stuff has really got me sort of down in the dumps. Thinking about my family, my parents, Paul and of course my babies. I can not even write what I feel in my heart or the tears will flow. Lets just say that it really makes you think about the here and now.

Deep breath... anyway I will update you tomorrow when I get back.

In love and light

Saturday, April 22, 2006

The list

So... a "Bossy" friend of mine said I need to fill out the same list she did!
So twist my arm already would ya?

Here goes.....

20 years ago (or so) I...
8 years old
Loved to catch fireflies
Went camping every summer

10 years ago (or so) I.....
Was in love with my highschool sweetheart
Was engaged to be married
Had NO clue what I wanted to do with my life!

5 years ago (or so) I....
Gave birth to my daughter Hannah
Finally understood what true love really meant
Was chasing around a toddler and became a stay at home mom

1 year ago (or so) I....
Sent my daughter off to school and it broke my heart
Was deathly sick EVERY single day while pregnant with my son
Admired Paul and the husband he is

So far this past year I.....
Gave birth
Bought too much
Visited with friends I had not seen in awhile

Yesterday I...
Bought gifts for Hannahs friends birthday party
Made plans with my Dad to walk 3 times a week
Stressed over bills

Today I....
Folded about 5 loads of laundry
Go to a kids birthday party
Wrote in the kid's paper journal

Tomorrow I will....
Walk with my dad
Visit my parents
Make a big sunday dinner

In the next year I will....
Make sure my family and friends know how much I love them.
Be chasing a toddler around and dealing with a 1st grader
Take some time for "me"

BTW Jilly you were right. I do think it is the alone time that I enjoy the most. Now I need a nap!
There is your list!
Love ya girly!

In love and light

Friday, April 21, 2006


It is 5:30am and I have been up offically 2 hours. Ethan slept really good last night. 7 hours straight. Hannah is curled up in my bed all warm and toasty. I can hear her snoring from here.

I have never really been a morning person but I must admit I do enjoy the sunrise now. It really is such a beautiful sight. All of my life ( Before I had kids of course) I would stay up till the wee hours of the morning then sleep only about 5 hours then off to a 12 hour shift at work. Now I am lucky to get into bed before 11pm and am up every few hours with a rise time usually before 5am.

It has been beautiful here. The weather has been in the low 70's to high 60's. I love this type of weather, in fact I wish it would stay like this all year round.

Already this morning I have accomplished more then most do all day. I am running out of things to do. Although today I really need to get these cabinets cleaned. Ahhh... the joy of a stay at home mom with babies!

Anyhow... Just wanted to say good morning

In love and light,

Monday, April 17, 2006


The kids had such a nice time yesterday at Easter. It was nice to be able to spend time with family and eat all the good things that make your belly extra full. Of course Ethan is too little to really know what is going on but Hannah had a blast!

Both kids slept like rocks and did not want to get up this morning. Well Ethan did but I was thrilled when he slept 5 1/2 hour straight. I thought I had died and gone to heaven! Now Hannah on the other hand was a bear to get up this morning for school. I guess that is what happens when you have 4 days off.

There is so much candy in this house that it will become a bad thing if I keep looking at it!

I just wanted to update before I head off to bed.

Happy Easter to everyone!

In love and light

Friday, April 14, 2006

Don't know much

Well I know my last post was a bit on the "down" side. I went to the doctor and really do not know anything else. Just that there is a mass and he seems to think that it is a hematoma. I have more blood work and another Catscan thursday.

The kids are doing well. Hannah was off school today so all of us went outside a bit before the storms rolled in. She went to bed with a bit of a tummy ache so hopefully she wakes up tomorrow feeling better. Ethan is doing well. He is starting to giggle and laugh which is loads of fun.

All these medical scares really have me thinking about these two babies. I would just melt if there was something really wrong and I had to go through drastic measures. I of course know there is not, but it still gets you thinking about life and how quickly they grow up. It is amazing to me that Hannah is already going to start the 1st grade. It seems just like yesterday she was in her highchair smiling at me and I could not wait for her to walk and talk. Now I just can not get her to be quiet!

When I look at Ethan I know that soon he will be doing the same things and before long he too will be growing up faster then I can keep up with. I know that there will never be enough pictures, videotape or journals to keep track of their every move. Who honestly has time to keep every minute of their life documented? If we did that then we would be missing out on everything about them.

I really think that there is no greater gift then being a mother. It is exhausting, hard, emotional and most of all loving.

The kids are both asleep now and I suppose I too should retire to bed. I always sit here this time of night with a fight. Do I go to sleep and grab the most time I possibly can or do I just enjoy the quiet house and the small amount of time I get for myself?

Perhaps I will do a bit of both.

In love and light

Monday, April 10, 2006

A bit of a scare

Yesterday was not the best day ever.
I was on my way to the dollar store with Hannah to pick up some Easter decorations that I promised to her if she cleaned her room. I had almost made it to my moms and started getting this severe pain in the left half of my tummy. When I say severe I mean to the point that I did not think I could make it in the car. I made it to my moms thankfully and she had to call an ambulance.

When at the ER they did blood work and a Catscan. The scan showed that there is a fluid filled mass. The doctor said either it is a mass of infection or a hematoma filled with blood. My white blood cell count was greatly elevated to 15,000. I see my OBGYN on wednesday but I can not help but worry to death. Hopefully it is something minor and can be fixed with simple medicine.

Even through drug free childbirth the first time and a C section the 2nd I have never been in such pain. It was something that I have NEVER felt before. Today the severe pain is absent but it is very sore.

Keep your fingers crossed for me.

On a much happier note....

Today was the first time that Ethan had been outside to "play". He loved it even if he kept falling asleep from the breeze. Hannah spent about 5 hours outside tonight just enjoying the fresh spring air. They are both so funny.

Both kids are asleep now... Thank goodness and I too am on my way to bed. The house is quiet and I hear Hannah snoring away!

Goodnight to everyone!
In love and light,

Sunday, April 09, 2006

No rest for the weary

First off let me say I love my son.
Second let me say I would give my right arm for sleep.
Third let me say if he poops one more time I may kill myself!


The night before he slept 5 hours straight. Of course that was a night I was unable to sleep. Last night all I wanted to do was sleep and he didn't. I can not win for losing!

Today Hannah and I are going to go get decorations for Easter. I promised her this weekend we would and I was hoping to go yesterday but we never quite got there. I told her that if she cleaned her room we would go. Of course *I* cleaned her room and we are still going. I am such a push over!

Well I just wanted to update while drinking my morning coffee.

Until Later


Friday, April 07, 2006

A mom

Being a mom is about the hardest and the most rewarding job anyone can ever have. I do not wear a power suit or carry a briefcase. I do not adorn heels or put nylons on everyday. In fact I am lucky to wash the soap out of my hair before someone is calling my name. Or eat a meal sitting down. It isn't until I hold my baby or laugh at a joke my growing daughter makes that I step outside myself and realize how blessed I am.

I used to take a hot bath with candles and bubbles. Now I bathe with two little ones first and pray that the water heater still is producing warm water. I used to smell like a woman and now I smell of crayons, baby spit up and elementary schools. The thing is that I could not be happier. I laughed the other day remembering when I was simply "Holly". Now I am a grunt called out from Ethan, Mommy or Hannahs mom.

It is amazing to me how quickly time flies by. I can remember when I first held Hannah and would have never imagined that I would be holding another. I remember when she started to walk and now she is starting her journey in school and finding herself. I think all of the time how I will explain to her the importance of finding herself. The truthfulness inside of her heart. Not what others think she should be. How will I teach her the importance of accepting her own body no matter what flaws it has? No matter what society labels as beautiful when it was not until I hit my early 20's that I looked in the mirror and thought "This is me and I like that". How will I handle her first heartbreak? When Ethan falls in love with a woman that clearly is not what he needs. How will I handle the breaking of curfews and smartmouths? When "I hate you mom" outweighs the conversation far more then "I love you"?

Thinking about it really makes me pull my own my closer then I ever thought I would. Will I become Hannah's best friend the way my mom is mine? Will my teachings be enough? My teachings of family values and the importance of sticking together really get through to them?

There is nothing like the smile of a child. The cuddle when you need it. The little hand that pats your back when you have the roughest day known to man. There is nothing like a kiss goodbye in the morning before school or a wam little body next to yours in the middle of the night. Knowing that there is always someone there. Someone is always thinking of you and needing you. I know someday they won't need me as much, but I will always be there.
Loving them
Accepting them
Needing them.

They are a part of me.

Saturday, April 01, 2006

First entry

Writing to make sure everything is working the way it should.