Coffee Morning Cloud

This morning My head feels a bit cloudy. The heaviness in the air from all the stress that has surrounded us lately has caused me to feel a bit out of sorts. I do wonder if there will be an end anytime soon. It is not until I hold the baby in My arms and feel his warmth beside me that I feel at ease. It is not until I crawl in bed with Hannah and feel her head on my shoulder that I feel the world is a bit smaller then it really is. That the center of My universe is simply an arm legth away.

I know that all of us have the family "thumb". We all suffer from one of those people who you simply want to slap unside the head and tell them how utter stupid they really are. Having to deal with them day and in day out is about to kill Paul and I. We can not wait until we are finished dealing with everything that surrounded his dads passing so that we can finally get on with "normal" life. Normal life, with normal people and normal family things.

Because things have been so forced upon us. To handle each and every small detail I am most certain that Paul has not been able to grieve. I have never been one who outwardly voices either my relgious views or politcal ones but I will say that he will not have any closure anytime soon unless he just tells them all to go away until he is able to deal with things on his terms. That is where he and I drastically differ. I am the type that no matter what will state my voice and my feelings. He is more of the quiet let people walk on me , until I can not deal with it anymore type. I was proud of him that he has been sticking up for himself and telling them... back off.

He asked me the other day what I really believe in. What I believe when we pass. This is what I believe. I believe in God. I believe in heaven and earth. I also believe that there are stops along the way between those two points. I believe that there are guidelines that can help us achieve different levels of understand who we are and where we have come from. Levels, planes so to speak between point A and point B. I have never just "believed" in one religion. I believe in many aspects of many different religious choices. Take for instance...

I believe in God. I believe that when you die you reach heaven and you are with the ones that came before you.

I believe in some of the Wiccan aspects. That everything on this earth has a meaning and that fate readily exsists. That you are able to change the universe by being respectful to it. Planting lavender at gardens gate for love. Ridding your home of bad energy.

I believe in aspects of Judism. That through practice and traditions we are able to better understand ourselves.

Hannah on the other hand believes that her "Master" at karate is the only smart one. I am the dumb one! She is sooo enjoying it. They hold no bars and she is already learning the true meaning of self. I am proud of her.

Yes perhaps all of it rolled into one and my picking out the parts that mean something to me is not traditional. Yet I have to find peace within myself and my beliefs.

I know that I am on a bit of a journey of words, so to speak, this morning. I suppose I am just taking this early morning time to spill my heart. We are looking into a very rough day today as the memorial for Pauls dad is at noon. He did not want a traditional anything. No funeral, no wake. He was creamated and wanted a "get together" to celebrate his life. It is a nice thought, but we are not the ones that are running the show. The other side of the family (the complicated and umm.... (thinking of a nice word) odd side is handling it. Paul and I are not looking forward to going.

Ethan (whom woke up at 4am) did not want to go back to sleep this morning. That was fine with me as I layed him next to my chest and just watched him smile and breath. There is something so beautiful about the breath a baby takes in and lets out. Knowing that it was you and the universe that gave them life. Such a beautiful thing.

Hannah and I cuddled in her bed last night. Fell asleep holding hands... woke up with her feet in my face. Totally uncovered I crawled out of bed and just looked at her. Enjoying that moment as I know anytime she will wake up and will not be quiet for her waking hours.

That is it for now. I feel blessed this morning and just wanted to share.

In love and light,
The Mom