Thoughts

Since saturday I seem to have been in a bit of a fog. Paul and I have been so busy that we can not seem to even remember what day it is. If it was not for Hannah being in school we would have lost not only hours and days but weeks.

Paul seems to be doing okay. He has his moments of weakness of course and leans on me. I on the other hand feel like the world is falling beneath me. His mom has put me in charge of everything and I just can not seem to keep up. After this Paul and I are going to have to just get away from here and take a bit of time for ourselves. Hannah is doing okay. Had a nightmare about it last night and needed loves. Other then that she seems to be taking everything very well. I was 8 when I had the first death in my heart of my grandma and I remember the torture inside I felt. I can not imagine what she must be feeling when she keeps quiet.

I am very honest and open with her. I am not the type of parent that "sugar coats" things just to keep her safe. I protect her heart, not her head and mind. I think it is important to tell her 100% truth no matter if she fully understands it yet or not.

It really makes you think about life and death and how quickly it is taking right out from under your feet.

I feel lucky to have the parents I have and the support system behind that. I was an only child yet I never felt alone. I am not sure if it was the way I was raised, the friends my parents had always had kids or a mixture of both. I know that I never felt like an only child. I will say the only thing I notice is that I had space then and I still enjoy that alone space.

As I sit here and try to write all the words that are crashing together in my head, I feel old. Aren't you supposed to be old when your parents die? I suppose I am getting old. 30 is creeping up as quickly as time always does. Age is simply a number for me and getting older was never something that bothered me. Yet I am amazed how quickly life passes through.

I am lucky for my life. Paul and I do not live in a masion or drive a brand new car but we are happy. We live well, we have great kids and we both enjoy things that surround our lives. Paul enjoys his work. I enjoy traveling when I model. We enjoy our family and friends. We are lucky.

I just wanted to write before I went off to slumber. I need to get some rest I suppose as we will be over at pauls mom all day packing boxes in that house. She refuses to live there.

WHAT A MESS!

In love and light
THE MOM