Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Old Maids and Rainbows

While pregnant with "The girly" I swore that I would never name my babies something that other kids could shorten.

Ex:
Jennifer--Jen--Jenny

I swore that I would stick to my guns until I started calling the girl "Bean". We did not know what sex she was and bean just seemed to fit. To this day she is "The Bean", "Bean" or "Beaner".
Then the boy came along and I swore again that I would not do it this time around. Leave it to Grandpa to nickname him. He is now "Mr. Magoo", "Magoo" or simply "goo".
So if you see those nicknames now you know what I am talking about.
Of course Paul has always been "Petey" and I have always been "The boss" Giggles
We are just a family that is clearly too confused! We can not even remember each others names!

Yesterday was one of those days when you get out of bed and just should have gotten back in! I knew I had to go get Goo different formula as the new one I bought was not agreeing with him. Petey said he would keep him while I went and I agreed! Of course! I took Hannah to school, went the other direction and hit the grocery store.I am taking my time... getting my fruit, getting the formula. Taking advantage of having no children in my cart! I knew that I had to walk over to the dollar store and get babywipes and some party favors for Hannah's birthday. 15 minutes until they open. I hop over to the gas station get myself a cup of hot joe and enjoy just sitting in the parking lot listening to the radio.

Until............

I look around and the parking lot is full of people sitting in their cars waiting for the store to open. People... women... in their late 70's. When the hell did I become this old? Here I am, Clothes that are huge after losing 80 pounds while pregnant with Goo and after. My hair which needs colored has gray popping through. (Not good for someone who does hair for a living), hair in a bun, no makeup and flip flops that are broken. My heart sinks and I think...holy crap. When did I become one of these old women waiting for the Dollar store to open?

How I wish I could have just went back to bed!

After my lovely "down on myself" day, Hannah and I sat at the patio door and watched the rain pour down. There is nothing better then a beautiful rain to wash away everything that came before. After the rain grandma calls and tells us that there is a rainbow. What a beautiful rainbow it was! It was the first time that I have ever seen the beginning and ending of a rainbow. There were two of them and we must have sat there up until the clouds whisked it away. It was such a lovely ending to a funny day!

In love and light,
The mom

Sunday, May 28, 2006

Where I am from

This was taken from a friend. Thank you Jilly!

It is mirrored after the poem by George Ella Lyons.

I am from tuna biscuits over mushroom soup, from fried treat and chocolate milk that always had more chocolate then milk.

I am from a little gray house with black shutters that have not changed in 20 years. Where the patio door always stayed open to listen to the birds and feel the wind whip through like a water on a hot summer day. Where everyone knew the name of their neighbor and asking for sugar was considered "polite". I am from window air conditioners and hot water in the sink every night after dinner. I am from a small bathroom that was fought over between three people and a father who teased you until you cried and a mother who stuck up for you like a best friend. I am from dirty looks when my mother made me mad and "wait until your father gets home". I am from a father who would tell you he was lost just to see you panic and a mother who would care for the neighborhood stray.

I am from the beautiful well kept garden of flowers cared for by my mothers hands and huge lilac bushes that smelled my grandmothers back yard like a sweet perfume each and every spring. I am from a large oak tree in the middle of the driveway and large gravel that dug into your skin everytime you fell off your bike. I am from a town where you could ride your bike for hours and never get lost and the "strange" car that pulled over was always someone you knew. I am from the town with very few children and a class that had 21 kids.

I am from Christmas music, cookies and eggnog every year while putting up the tree and a family full of more christmas spirit then anyone knew what to do with, from a mother who knew exactly what I needed. From a mother who stuck up for me even when I was wrong, whos kiss could take away every scar faster then you could breathe. From a mother who would curl up on the couch, I on the loveseat and who would watch the sunday night movie with me in our pajama's. From a father who truely made you feel like daddys little girl and would handle each and every fight if you asked him to. A father who would show you your heart as a child and cradle it as a teen. A father who would lie in bed with you and hold you when your heart was broken for the first time and want to kick his ass in the process. From a mother who would try and smack you and miss or break the blood vessels in her hand from doing so. I am parents who would know when you lied and when you told the truth. Never knowing exactly how they did it. I am from tonka trucks and barbie dolls who's hair was always cut exremely short. I am from cabbage patch kids and New kids on the block. I am from a group of three close girlfriends who really never got along and a car that was a green bomb.

I am from hot summer days sitting on the living room floor cheering on the Chicago cubs and fans blowing in your face because we did not have airconditioning. I am from dinners at the table and more food then you could eat on a sunday evening. I am from beef roasts cooking all day and carrots surrounding it like decoration. I am from green mouth wash in a beautiful clear glass bottle with a cork top and a bathroom sink that was always as clean as a crystal. I am from cluttered closets and unorganized drawers a trait that I learned from my mother. I am from a father who was more tidy then any of us in the house and who was a bear if you spilled even water on the carpet. I am from a hardworking family that worked for everything we had and one who taught you the meaning of a dime.

I am from a family where sticking together meant putting up with people you did not like and "If they hit you first you hit back". Where family time meant just that even if you wanted to be somewhere else. I am from "Eat what I cooked or don't eat at all" and hot dogs over the fire no matter what time of day.

I am from a family who believes in god but never went to church. "Going to a building" did not mean you were closer to heaven. Where praying was done in private and words were spoken in your head. That god does everything for a reason and you do not question it.

I am from the humid summers of Indiana and the blustery winters in December. I am from chubby Bohemians, sweet pork, dumplings and milk toast.

From the grasshoppers made by my grandmother at christmas time no matter how young you were and card playing that was always cheated through. I am from grandparents who threw bread at each other when mad and a grandfather who could eat every piece that was thrown as long as it had butter on it and Easter sundays walking down the bunny trail of suckers even if you were 20 years old.

I am from pictures in a box, first haircuts saved and stories that are told over and over again so you never forget their worth. I am from parents who are my best friends and family that never leaves you under even the worst circumstances.

I am now from the same small town, with the same people, a mother of two and parents who live just around the corner. I am from a similar small house only mine is gray with BLUE shutters and most of the same tendencies of motherhood that my mother had. I am from a home where I stay to raise the babies and keep them safe from harm. I am the heart of a writer, a singer, a reader, a learner and a woman who feels love and care for almost everyone she meets. I am the lover of the night and family. I am from a true heart that cares too much and recieves too little. I am from a soul that gives people the benefit of the doubt and is optimistic. I am also from a mind that does not take shit twice and can be quite mean when it is needed. I am the mother bird and noone messes with my babies.

I am me. Complicated and emotional. Protective and Moody. Loving and gentle. A reader of childrens books at night and wipperwills in the dark. I am from fireflies in a jar and camping during the summer. I am from the best family.

Friday, May 26, 2006

Coffee Morning Cloud

This morning My head feels a bit cloudy. The heaviness in the air from all the stress that has surrounded us lately has caused me to feel a bit out of sorts. I do wonder if there will be an end anytime soon. It is not until I hold the baby in My arms and feel his warmth beside me that I feel at ease. It is not until I crawl in bed with Hannah and feel her head on my shoulder that I feel the world is a bit smaller then it really is. That the center of My universe is simply an arm legth away.

I know that all of us have the family "thumb". We all suffer from one of those people who you simply want to slap unside the head and tell them how utter stupid they really are. Having to deal with them day and in day out is about to kill Paul and I. We can not wait until we are finished dealing with everything that surrounded his dads passing so that we can finally get on with "normal" life. Normal life, with normal people and normal family things.

Because things have been so forced upon us. To handle each and every small detail I am most certain that Paul has not been able to grieve. I have never been one who outwardly voices either my relgious views or politcal ones but I will say that he will not have any closure anytime soon unless he just tells them all to go away until he is able to deal with things on his terms. That is where he and I drastically differ. I am the type that no matter what will state my voice and my feelings. He is more of the quiet let people walk on me , until I can not deal with it anymore type. I was proud of him that he has been sticking up for himself and telling them... back off.

He asked me the other day what I really believe in. What I believe when we pass. This is what I believe. I believe in God. I believe in heaven and earth. I also believe that there are stops along the way between those two points. I believe that there are guidelines that can help us achieve different levels of understand who we are and where we have come from. Levels, planes so to speak between point A and point B. I have never just "believed" in one religion. I believe in many aspects of many different religious choices. Take for instance...

I believe in God. I believe that when you die you reach heaven and you are with the ones that came before you.

I believe in some of the Wiccan aspects. That everything on this earth has a meaning and that fate readily exsists. That you are able to change the universe by being respectful to it. Planting lavender at gardens gate for love. Ridding your home of bad energy.

I believe in aspects of Judism. That through practice and traditions we are able to better understand ourselves.

Hannah on the other hand believes that her "Master" at karate is the only smart one. I am the dumb one! She is sooo enjoying it. They hold no bars and she is already learning the true meaning of self. I am proud of her.

Yes perhaps all of it rolled into one and my picking out the parts that mean something to me is not traditional. Yet I have to find peace within myself and my beliefs.

I know that I am on a bit of a journey of words, so to speak, this morning. I suppose I am just taking this early morning time to spill my heart. We are looking into a very rough day today as the memorial for Pauls dad is at noon. He did not want a traditional anything. No funeral, no wake. He was creamated and wanted a "get together" to celebrate his life. It is a nice thought, but we are not the ones that are running the show. The other side of the family (the complicated and umm.... (thinking of a nice word) odd side is handling it. Paul and I are not looking forward to going.

Ethan (whom woke up at 4am) did not want to go back to sleep this morning. That was fine with me as I layed him next to my chest and just watched him smile and breath. There is something so beautiful about the breath a baby takes in and lets out. Knowing that it was you and the universe that gave them life. Such a beautiful thing.

Hannah and I cuddled in her bed last night. Fell asleep holding hands... woke up with her feet in my face. Totally uncovered I crawled out of bed and just looked at her. Enjoying that moment as I know anytime she will wake up and will not be quiet for her waking hours.

That is it for now. I feel blessed this morning and just wanted to share.

In love and light,
The Mom


Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Momisms

For Easter My mom and dad got me the cutest book.. it is called Momisms. I was sitting here with My morning coffee reading through it.... Here are some of them

Momisms
Cathy Hamilton

Just be yourself
Translation--
(For son)
Be anyone but your father.
(For girl) Be just like Me!

Go out and play in traffic
Translation
"I have had enough of you for the day. Dont even think about coming back in until I am fully medicated."

"You have a cute figure"
Translation
"So you look like a stick... enjoy it while it lasts!"

"Pretty is as pretty does"
Translation
"Pull your skirt down, keep your legs together, get the hair out of your eyes,Stand up straight, Take your elbows off the table, Pick up your feet when you walk"

"Is that what you are going to wear?"
Translation
"I would not be caught dead in that and neither will you"

"What do you need, an engraved invitation? Sit down and eat!"
ADVICE
If you want to make moms day.... when she yells that dinner is ready, run to the table, licking your lips and yell..."Me first" If you can leave a family member on the floor in your wake... all the better

"Sure your brother has book smarts, but you have street smarts"
ADVICE
Moms should be careful when using this one. In explaining street smarts really means common sense. Not the natural ability to sell crack out of the front of the car.

"I am on strike"
Translation
Thank goodness these only last a few minutes. After moms guilt sets in. There have been instances of prolonged work stoppages by mothers who have walked out of their homes and manned picket lines in their own backyards. When this happens families would be well advised to negotiate a settlement before mom makes it to the six o clock news.

Long day

Good morning--
I have not written in a few days. Just been too busy to be able to sit here and write. Hannah starts Karate today. She is MORE then excited and already is asking to go everyday. They only have it on wednesday's. THANK GODDESS!

Ethan is feeling much, much better! I really thought I was going to take him back to the doctor. Thankfully he had one bad night then started to feel better.

Just wanted to write quickly.. need to get some stuff done

In love and light,
THE MOM

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Pulling my hair out!

I have not written for a few days because Ethan has been really sick. Between being pulled with Hannah and Ethan I am going to pull my hair out and be 100% bald!

I just wanted to write very quickly so ya'll knew we were still alive!

Going to bed while I still can!

In love and light,
THE MOM

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Yawns

I am just a bit tired today. Mom had Ethan most of the day while Paul and I worked outside getting our garden pond and flowers planted. It turned out to thankfully be a nice day. Rained a little this morning but turned out to be fairly sunny. It has rained for so many days straight that finally being able to get things done was nice. It is supposed to rain all weekend as well... so thank god it is finished!

Hannah did not go to school yesterday. Was up most of the night sick and felt better enough to go to school today. She helped me plant as soon as she got home. It was hard waiting for her because I just wanted to get it finished but I knew that she would so enjoy helping. She sure did!

Anyhow... Just wanted to write quickly before I went off to bed.

In love and light,
THE MOM

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

A Maid

If anyone wants to send me a maid (payed for of course) I will give you my address faster then you can sneeze!

I am trying to clean house today, but you can tell I am not doing well at all. Of course you can tell I am sitting here writing.

I wanted to quickly thank Jill for commenting so often. It really means a lot to me.

Let Me explain a bit to those that are friends and family so close who Jill is. Jill is someone that I call a "kindered soul". There are very few people that you meet that feel that way. She lives in CA but whether we see each other or talk as much as we should, I always know she is there. I feel her in my heart every single day. Thanks so much for always being there Jilly. You mean a lot to me even if I do not say it as often as I should.

In love and light,
THE MOM

Monday, May 15, 2006

Busy Bee's

It seems like all we do is run around. Paul, Hannah, Ethan and I have not had anytime to ourselves let alone grieve the loss of his father.

Today we spread his dad ashes. It was very hard and Paul is having a hard time of it. I know that in time it will get better. I think we all know that and have lost someone very close to us. It of course will take a great amount of time and patience but it will get better. This year has not been the best of years. Other then Ethan being born the very start of the year did not start out well.

Took Ethan to the doctor today and he has an upper resp. infection. He is just so sick. I hate when any kid is sick but when they are that small it makes it even harder. You just can not do a lot to make things better but cuddle him and I am sure he is getting sick of that.

I just wanted to write quickly before this Tylenol PM kicks in.

In love and light,
THE MOM

Saturday, May 13, 2006

A heartfelt Note

I had someone the other day say to me..."Live everyday as it was your last". It really made me think. Not that I had never heard it before but for some odd reason it radiated in my mind more then it ever had.

I think that statement itself is next to impossible. If you were to live everyday as it were your last day on earth you would not go to work, pay bills, shower, ect. You would never be able to have a roof under your head or pay the bills that you have to pay. You would move to a far away island with only the people that matter most to you. At least I know I would.

I think that the statement would be better served as "LOVE everyday as it were your last.". Now that I put into effect every single day. I call my parents each and everyday to tell them I love them. Always before they are off to sleep. I make sure that my family knows how much I love and care for them whether it is by phone, in person or a letter every now and then to let them know I remember they are there no matter how busy life gets. My babies know that I love them each and every minute of the day and Paul knows it as well.

Perhaps I smoother but I realize that it may happen at any moment. I suppose my entires lately could come off as 'morbid' and I do not mean them too. I just know that life comes and goes so quickly and with Pauls dad passing away it really makes you think and plan life a bit differently.

I hope everyone is having a good weekend. It is very dreary here today. Cold and rainy. One of those days that make you want to curl up in a ball on the bed and sleep the afternoon away.

In love and light
THE MOM

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Time alone

I seem to write at the same two times each and everytime I write. Late night or early morning. Seems those are the only times that I have to myself.

Things around here have of course been busy. Managing two households is really wearing me out and I wonder when the next time will be when I am able to take a deep cleansing breathe. From the outlook on things it does not seem that I will do that any time soon. The kids are both great although I think Ethan maybe getting a bit of a cold.

I had them both in the bath tonight and had one of those "Wow" moments. When I was in highschool and growing up there was nothing more I wanted to do then to travel and sing. I just knew back then that I would leave this one horse town and never look back. I then fell in love with Paul and stayed exactly where my roots started. There were times before I had the babies that we had thought about moving far away. It was not until I started traveling all the time for modeling that I realized there is no other place I would rather be then where my roots started. With both kids in the bath tonight, playing together that I just sat back and looked at them.

There is no single place in the world that I would rather be then right here... right now. With the debt and the bills. With the stress and the love. With family and friends. There is no place that I could think of that would make my heart feel more full then it did at that very moment. I think as you grow older, have children that you realize it does not get any better then that. No matter how many rough times you have in your marriage, no matter how many bills come through, minus the running noses, poopy diapers and sleepless nights. I am content right where I am.

If you happen to stop by here please let me know. Hannah always checks to see who is stopping in. BTW.... she says hi Jilly.

In love and light
THE MOM

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Thoughts

Since saturday I seem to have been in a bit of a fog. Paul and I have been so busy that we can not seem to even remember what day it is. If it was not for Hannah being in school we would have lost not only hours and days but weeks.

Paul seems to be doing okay. He has his moments of weakness of course and leans on me. I on the other hand feel like the world is falling beneath me. His mom has put me in charge of everything and I just can not seem to keep up. After this Paul and I are going to have to just get away from here and take a bit of time for ourselves. Hannah is doing okay. Had a nightmare about it last night and needed loves. Other then that she seems to be taking everything very well. I was 8 when I had the first death in my heart of my grandma and I remember the torture inside I felt. I can not imagine what she must be feeling when she keeps quiet.

I am very honest and open with her. I am not the type of parent that "sugar coats" things just to keep her safe. I protect her heart, not her head and mind. I think it is important to tell her 100% truth no matter if she fully understands it yet or not.

It really makes you think about life and death and how quickly it is taking right out from under your feet.

I feel lucky to have the parents I have and the support system behind that. I was an only child yet I never felt alone. I am not sure if it was the way I was raised, the friends my parents had always had kids or a mixture of both. I know that I never felt like an only child. I will say the only thing I notice is that I had space then and I still enjoy that alone space.

As I sit here and try to write all the words that are crashing together in my head, I feel old. Aren't you supposed to be old when your parents die? I suppose I am getting old. 30 is creeping up as quickly as time always does. Age is simply a number for me and getting older was never something that bothered me. Yet I am amazed how quickly life passes through.

I am lucky for my life. Paul and I do not live in a masion or drive a brand new car but we are happy. We live well, we have great kids and we both enjoy things that surround our lives. Paul enjoys his work. I enjoy traveling when I model. We enjoy our family and friends. We are lucky.

I just wanted to write before I went off to slumber. I need to get some rest I suppose as we will be over at pauls mom all day packing boxes in that house. She refuses to live there.

WHAT A MESS!

In love and light
THE MOM

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Heaven

I just wanted to update quickly as I had a minute.

Pauls dad passed away Saturday at 3am. Thankfully Paul and I both stayed the night and were there for his passing.

He is in heaven and will not hurt any longer. Thank you for your prayers.

The Mom

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Not so good news

I wanted to take a minute to write. The kids are in bed and Paul is up with his Dad. I am sadly anticipating a call in the middle of the night.

His dad went into the hospital a week ago not feeling well and tests were done. When they came back they showed cancer of the heart, lungs, liver, bladder and bowels. They put him in hospice today and told us to be ready tonight. It has been very stressful and very hard. Please send prayers our way. I will not go into great detail as Paul would not want me to. All I ask is that you keep us in your thoughts.

On a brighter note Hannah went on a field trip to the zoo today. She really had a blast. Paul and I were helpers and the kids really were on their best behavior. It was tons of fun.

Sorry I can not write more. Dead tired and need to get a little more rest then I did last night.

In love and light
THE MOM